What can I say? Head on collision with a train at full speed does not look pretty, but the results are in. Almost. Cancer brought forth amazing opportunities laid before me as well as some not so nice ones too. Simply put, Pandora’s Box was opened. We did not know it even existed. Yet, it wreck havoc and along the way, I found puzzle pieces of Me.

Depression is a funny thing. It hides behind many faces and seem to blend in nicely with the normal–sometimes. Then, a sudden trigger of memory–whether you see it, been there, smell it or just sense it–floods your every being, possibly crippling you to submit to its darkest caverns. You replay your whole entire life, thinking somewhere, I made a really big mistake and this is payback. Or simply, I just deserve it. [Karma can be a b!tch sometimes.] Yes, folks, I have had this battle for quite some time (or some form of it). Cancer brought it center stage for me to face one last time. I say it is my ‘last time’ because this time, it is different. No more living in fear of how people will see me. No more living in fear of when this will cripple me again. No more “losing it.” No more. Don’t get me wrong. This is not necessarily an eradication of depression, but management. Like cancer, it is part of me. I am chalking this up as another life skill acquired along the way. As a familiar cliche goes, “If you can’t beat them, join ’em.”

This is where Faith steps in to help Cancer shed light on Depression. I am not a Believer (aka God) nor am I an atheist. I cannot support nor condone any one particular religion, faith, belief, etc. Why? I am a believer of Fair & Just. They hold no religious bounds for me. As we all continuously sing of individual uniqueness, each one of us has to be content and at peace with where we are–even at our lowest points. It was very hard for me during this time ( I can only imagine the strain put on my family & friends). I struggled daily, wondering how can I still endure any more pain from my depression, let alone the [slow] recovery of gaining strength to tackle daily obligations. Even worse, how can it come back with a vengeance like this? With everything that I have, I was in the ‘perfect place’–my knight in shining armor, my little princess and prince. Heck, I even had that dog, cat and mini-van scenario covered. The white picket fence ranch was coming. Yet, I was miserable, angry and still, sad. Crappingly sad.

But, this derailment was long enough for me to say, “No more. It’s time to move forward.” My faith lies within me. My faith lies within those who love and support me. Above all, my faith is still with Humanity. I believe we are all here to be better–for good or for bad. Some of us will live a life of suffering, while others will live like kings. At the end of the day, we grow a little. I say, I have grown quite a bit the last year. All I wish for everyone in this world is to grow a little.

I still look at my NHL as the greatest opportunity given to me (Heh, unlike the other NHL going on this season…we won’t talk about it because they are still talking about it–instead of playing. >,< Shhh). As a little girl, I held on to a few beliefs that, frankly, I do not know why I had forgotten or let go of. Some may find it silly and downright weird superstition. Whatever you call it, discovering them this past year have been the most delight. The best part, I was able to reconnect and reaffirm with them. Even grander, I was given a chance to create a stronger belief foundation that I have longed for. Like I said before, I have the perfect family any woman can ask for. I know where I want to be; it is time to get there.

In light of all that is, remission (as said before) is not what you think. Currently, we are waiting on second opinion of our options battling my cancer. Yes, I still have cancer. Long story short, the theory is I had indolent Lymphoma which flared up to aggressive and was fought over the summer. Now, we’re back to the indolent. Options laid out were to continue Rituxan once every 3 months for a couple of years and do a biopsy then for a better idea. Or do what I call, “the hurry up and wait” game; I choose not of this because it makes no sense. Lastly, bone marrow transplant would give me a few years as a renewed person; I choose not of this as well because frankly, I’m tired of being in the hospital/under the knife/drugged/etc. I have 2 kids. I know where I want to be. (Hmm, sounds familiar, eh?) I have not looked into any clinical trials because writing this blog took me a span of a few days. So Googling will only make me less of a dutiful housewife and crazy mom than I already am. [It still beats 9-5, folks.]

So, as I just griped. I shall end it here. The kitchen is beckoning me to destroy–ahem, cook in it. 🙂 Dinner is calling…

Adieu and to you, a wonderful week.